Growth

FEBRUARY 2021

What a year it’s been. From personal health struggles to a pandemic, I truly could not have predicted the way the last year would unfold. But I’m grateful for the time I’ve had with my husband and my family. As I rearrange and merge different online accounts, I love stumbling across old portraits like this one - especially when there are journal entries like below.

I hope your new year is unfolding smoothly for you and that you and yours are safe.

P.S. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and reading and learning about myself these last couple of years. “Know Thyself,” and “To thine own self be true,” are the most important phrases that I try to live my life by. Those quotes, and this one: “Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries.” - Roethke - remind me of what’s important in this life. When something shatters you so completely, try to remember who you are.

JULY 2019

I guess I’m in a season of transition where I can’t remember who I am anymore. I keep grasping at threads from the past trying to fabricate some cloth of recognition, feeling like I’ve entirely outgrown it and yet like I can’t fit anywhere new. I’m particularly drawn to old self portraits. I wish I kept them safer. With each season of flux, I’ve deleted accounts, changed my name countless times, and deleted pages and pages of work. This is one I salvaged from Flickr. I don’t know where to go from here, but I’m feeling the need to create again without pressure, deadlines, clients, obligations - just, creation for creation’s sake.

“Know who you are.” - I keep thinking of this scene from Penny Dreadful. A man is utterly entranced, cursed to forget the people, places, and things that matter most to him as he happily devotes his life to an enchantress. In a fit of rage, his companion throws him into an empty room and screams, “Know who you are!” And just like that, a new spell is cast and the dusty old room is transformed into a page from his memories. Each family member is there, alive, and waiting to dance with him. One by one, they dance, reminding him of the life he forgot while he was under the spell. He radiates with each dance, brief as they are, filled with joy at each encounter - only for the fog to abruptly lift, revealing to him his stark reality. His family is dead. The enchantress’ deception robbed him of his memories.

I’m in such a fog. And it is still unclear where the dance leads.

SELF PORTRAIT
JUNE 2016

What's in a portrait?

What do we think of when our portrait is being taken?

Who do we think will see these pictures once we create them?

Looking back, I think of the different things that happened in that month. Getting married. The death of my new father-in-law. How surreal it was picking out flowers for my wedding and a funeral just one month apart from each other. The hope of getting hired at a local photo studio. The desire to do something greater with my work. My own anxieties and fears that had prevented me from moving forward. But two years later - seeing the growth that had to occur from then to get me to where I stand now.

I photographed another baptism today. I love baptisms. Babies are the sweetest, most innocent, beautiful souls. Watching them become baptized feels like a fresh start. I celebrated mother's day with many beautiful mothers and mothers-to-be. Tonight, I'm thinking good thoughts for those of you who might be struggling with the journey into motherhood.

While turning off my computer, I stumbled across this portrait and it made the last two years and all that has happened since then come back in a swirl. I love portraits and I love taking them.

I often think of those gorgeous black and white portraits my great aunts and uncles would take - the ones where you didn't smile, but instead, gazed steadily out towards the camera lens and imagined someone a hundred years from now thinking back on what might have happened in your life when you posed for that very portrait.